I have to say, last week was a pretty exciting time for me. It was my first opportunity to have my voice heard in my birth country and exercise my God-given right to vote for Canada's next top world leader. It was a particularly interesting exercise for me, since I consider myself somewhat of an expert on the Democratic process, having lived 20 years in the birthplace of Democracy, America! (Don't listen to those Greeks. Anyone who gets elected wearing bathrobes isn't partaking in REAL Democracy.) Some things were very similar, like the gray haired lady who excitedly remarked, "It's great to see the young people come out and vote!" even though I'm 31. But I couldn't shake the feeling that Canada just isn't getting Democracy quite right. 

But NEVER FEAR CANADA! Your trusty, cross-border friend Rory has come back north to put Canada on the road to modern Democracy. So Canada, here's what you're not doing right.

And no, "French Guy," "The Walking Corpse," "Nice Lady," "Your Girlfriend's Amiable Father," and "Captain Nice Hair" do not count as mascots.

It took America more than 100 years to go through the painstaking process to elevate politics to the level of sports. When the founding fathers were sitting around, developing a modern, functioning Democracy, politics in America was all about smart guys sitting around debating philosophical concepts and building a functional and fair government. The founders quickly discovered the American public didn't have time for that, so they invented political parties, gave them official colours for their ties, hired cheerleaders called pundits, and have huge pep rallies called conventions. People still seemed uninterested until both parties adopted mascots to go on their jerseys.

Say hello to my failed 2013 business venture! Copyrighted.....kind of.

And by contrast, you have this.

See. Horrible mascots.

You see, sports is an institution that let's you safely and blindly hate other people, which is great because hate is super fun. When I watch football on Saturday, I like the red guys, and I hate the blue guys, because the blue guys are making it really complicated for my red guys to get the ball where it's going. I don't go outside and harass the mailman by blocking the neighbors mailbox, blue guys. Why you gotta be such a jerk, brah! So, by elevating politics to the height of sports, politics no longer becomes an intellectual endeavor, and instead becomes hate entertainment. Hatertainment, if you will. (Googled it. Turns out I didn't just invent that. Sigh.)

So Canada, you need mascots. No worries! Rory's got you covered.


Conservative Mascot

Now it seems to me the Conservative Party of Canada is the most American party you have up here. They have Super Pacs, attack ads, they love oil, and nothing says America like industry written legislation! Also, borderline racist fringe-politics that only affects literally two people, shying away from their economic record, and rejecting science? These are all time-honored American political traditions. That's why the CPC mascot should be a majestic eagle, covered in oil.

(Insert joke about Harper's campaign not '"Taking off" here!) Also, buy your print HERE.

Liberal Mascot

Trudeau's going to force me to marry a duck. I mean, that's the logical trajectory here, right? First, legalize marijuana, then brothels, then before long, we're all forced to marry ducks and bow down to our pimp overlords. I was educated in Georgia, and I know what happens when you vote Democrat. Demons invade your house like Paranormal Activity and everybody turns into pillars of salt. Everyone knows Sodom and Gomorrah voted blue. It won't be long before Trudeau's forcing me to inject weed into my veins. That's how it works, right? They also believe in a strong central government, just like penguins.

Wait, penguins are monogamist!

That's better. Young, inexperienced, morally ambiguous, but undeniably cute. Yup, Liberal.

Because everybody knows ducks are sexual deviants.


NDP Mascot

Thomas Mulcair would have forced me to marry a gay duck. Their mascots are these two kids. Watch, and I'll explain below.

See, there was Thomas Mulcair just having a fine time, quietly sitting there, eating his third place toast and beans. Nothing is wrong with third place toast and beans, Mulcair! But the second he got the idea that he could upgrade from his bean toast to first place Prime Minister ice cream, the entire NDP ate it hard and was left sprawled across the kitchen floor, crying for Mommy. 

Do you know the difference between ice cream and a face full of kitchen tile? Winning.


Green Party Mascot

The Green Party's mascot is this potted plant.

It's green. It looks nice. Most people find it agreeable, but it doesn't really do anything.

Also, I'm pretty sure the Green Party is pro-plant. That just makes sense, right?


The Bloc Québécois

I actually have no idea what the Bloc Québécois stands for. I guess I could look it up.... but that sounds like work. I'd rather just take a shot in the dark. Here we go:

That's just a guess though. Let me know if I'm wrong on that one. I'm probably going to have to delete that before publishing, but if I don't, I would just like everyone to know that these are the completely unqualified views of Rory Andrews. If you would like to punch anyone in the face for this, that face would be mine.

So with that small amount of information I have to go on, I'm just going to make their mascot France.

Sure, I guess...(shrugs shoulders). Moving on!

Libertarian Party

Whew. Canada sure has a lot of parties. Doesn't Ottawa know the correct amount of parties is 2? Trudeau should really just make all the other parties illegal, even though I was pretty happy to see the Libertarians on the ballot. Living in the South will teach you a thing or two about Libertarians, like how they want to fix government from the inside, by killing it! Batman fights for a Gotham City where Batman doesn't need to exist, just like Libertarians want to be politicians, so politicians don't have to exist. Libertarians are just like Batman. And that's why their mascot is:

Ebola.

Nothing wants to murder its host and habitable environment faster than ebola, much like nobody wants less government than a Libertarian politician. You go Libertarians! Murder that Government!

Sometimes billionaires do run through, which is super fun! Here we see The Donald giving us the Liberty Finger!

By contrast, Justin Trudeau won the Prime Minister seat with 35 million dollars.  Now, how are world leaders going to take Canada seriously if you can buy your way into the Prime Ministers office for the low, low price of flying around the country and making sense?

Because Objective-Based Parenting is a sure-fire path to success!

In America, there are no set time-frames for elections, which means every election starts the second the last election ends. What would CNN do with itself without stalking candidates and reporting on what they ordered at Chipotle. It's very important that I know whether my candidate prefers black beans or brown. Crucial. When do you think CNN figured out there wasn't 24 hours worth of news? 1992?

And what exactly was I supposed to learn in 78 days? Platforms and policies of, like, 5 parties or something?! Nope. I would rather have the policies of major candidates slowly seep into my brain over 3 years, through cultural osmosis that doesn't require any real work or activity. I have YouTube videos to watch, man!

This is not my ballot, but thanks to whoever did the legally ambiguous act of taking a picture of their vote. Now my American friends can understand Canadian elections.

By contrast, in America you walk over to your fancy, 21st century touch screen kiosk, and you vote for EVERYTHING. President, mayor, representatives, senators, judges, school boards, sheriffs, and dog catchers, all the way to whether it should be legal to smoke in airport parking lots. You go through a Sears Wishbook catalog of choices before you leave that kiosk, and altogether, I've absolutely voted for more people that I've never heard of than people I have. Pro-tip: If you have the word "Wolf" anywhere in your name, consider running for office. I will vote for you. Bonus points for "Wulf." I've also blindly voted for a number of women, because TAKE THAT MALE PATRIARCHY! 

Who would I be if I didn't randomly vote for people I've never heard of? Sure, I could skip that riding and move on to more important matters, like buying cat food, but somebody a long time ago probably died for my right to choose candidates at a voting kiosk like a toddler wildly mashing elevator buttons. I'm a patriot, dammit!

So there you go Canada. Everything you need to become the modern, 21st century Democracy you are honesty sooooo close to becoming. I see it peeking through. Your Super Pacs. Your donations. Your attack ads. Your longer and longer election cycles.

Luckily, I'm here to push you in the right direction, and put Canada on the path to Freedom.

- Disclaimer -

Any views or opinions presented in this article are solely those of Rory and do not necessarily represent those of goCapeBreton.com. Actually, they definitely do not represent those of goCapeBreton.com. We strongly suggest that you refute and discredit the views of Rory Andrews below, to the best of your ability. goCapeBreton.com will not accept any liability in respect of this article, and Rory will be personal liable for any damages or other liability arising.