I have a close family member who has opened her home as a longtime foster family. Dozens of children aged from just a few days old up to teens have shared her home throughout the years.

Sometimes they are there for just days before transitioning. Sometimes, they are there for years. Sometimes, there is a short path towards a return to their families… if the parents are among those with correctable issues who commit to doing better. Sometimes, the future outlook for them is very uncertain. Sometimes, they spend their first 2 years of life learning to know us as their only family. Sometimes they are healthy. Sometimes they are hurt. Sometimes they are addicted to drugs at birth.

I’ve also discovered that the most beautiful moments of time with them can be the most heartbreaking for me.

When the babies have a loving moment,  start crawling or walking, start saying some babble that will turn into words, laugh out loud or giggle, celebrate their first birthday or their first Christmas, it’s a wonderful experience. But it’s sad that as much as we enjoy experiencing it with them, they don’t get to share that time with their forever family, and their future forever family misses out on these times with them. These are moments they can’t get back.

When older children arrive, they are often quiet at first. Try to imagine being a child again. Then imagine having the police and social workers that you don’t know take you from your home, and drop you off in the home of strangers. And in the midst of all that anxiety, you have what you might believe is a secret. In some way, your parents were neglectful, abusive, or endangered your well-being. And when the government found out, they took you, in order to protect you. And while you are protected, you’re still scared. You’re still in an unfamiliar environment, no matter how safe it is for you there.

These children are resilient but emotionally scarred. They can often put on a brave face, but the older they are, the more they are aware of their circumstances. And you can see it in their eyes.

“I’m ready to go home now, nanny,” one boy said on Day 3. For him, he was just visiting someone. We must be good friends or family. We were caring. Meals of good food were served regularly. The home was warm and inviting. There were toys and movies for children on the TV. But it’s not mom or dad, and as the days pass by, the curiosity must rise. They may wonder silently or aloud: “Why are we staying here for so long?” or “When do we go home?”

In these moments, there’s a tendency to empathize with the families they were removed from. But we have bias embedded within our feelings of empathy. We’re biased because the family we want to imagine and empathize with are much like our own. They love their children, and they are capable of taking care of them. They aren’t neglectful. They would never be abusive. They’re just normal families.

The bowl of birthday cake clinked loudly as he dropped his fork. An unnatural look of fear came upon his face instantly, and he looked down in shame, avoiding whatever form of “discipline” would follow. But, no such discipline would follow, of course. Not here. He was safe now. He just dropped a fork. It made a noise. Noises and fork-dropping are ok here. It’s not going to be like “home”. There’s no hitting or yelling. We just want you to enjoy your cake.

These are just innocent children, and the situation they’ve found themselves in isn’t fair. Not one bit. Good foster families do their best to provide a family environment for as long as needed, and then one day the children move on. The most fortunate among them will often wait decades before they one day discover that the family they’ve known since being a toddler are not their biological parents, and they will typically have long since forgotten their days in foster care. When that conversation happens is up to their adoptive family. But they are safe and loved, and they have a true family of their own. Though the path to get there was long and difficult, they’ve been given a new opportunity to have a normal childhood, and a good family that will guide them towards a happy adult life.

It’s for that reason that the children we quickly come to love as little brothers and sisters move on, and it’s a happy moment. They finally get to go to their forever families and join the kind of family experience that they’ve always deserved to have, just like other children. If you ever have the opportunity to see this happen, you’ll witness something incredibly special. They’ll love all the new attention, and, oh boy, they’ll get lots of it with the parents who have been waiting so long to meet them.

The province of Nova Scotia invests a great deal of money into Community Services. Foster families are carefully screened and, for the most part, in Cape Breton, they seem to have very good reputations. Our family has met other foster families that are absolutely amazing at the love and care they provide, and the welcoming home environment they offer. Sometimes, they become the forever families for children they can’t bear to separate from. We’ve been a part of many good outcomes, with children successfully moving on to adoption.

I often hear about child poverty rates, unemployment, addictions, and a failing health care system with very limited support for mental health and addictions. While I discuss these in my political writings too, I understand them as more than just statistics and abstract socioeconomic ills. I suspect if local politicians had experience as foster families, they’d work much harder at their jobs.

What I don’t think happens enough is an awareness of how the foster care system works and its issues. But I want to bring some of those issues of concern to light. For those who are involved in the system, they will be familiar. For the general public, some of this information will be surprising, and in some cases upsetting.

Addicted Babies

Many babies are born in Cape Breton already technically addicted to drugs because their mom was a user while pregnant. This is not a problem that happens “elsewhere”. It’s very frequent right here. The babies have to go through a difficult withdrawal process. So when your friendly local neighbourhood drug dealer or business owner who sells as a side hustle are offering opiates to young women, here’s a little sampling of the future suffering they are acting as a precursor to. It’s also the cost of individuals selfishly risking pregnancy while they are users, taking pills or sticking needles in their arms, and setting the babies that result up for the following kind of experience in the hospital before spending 18 months in foster care.

Warning: Don’t watch this if you’re not in a comfortable environment where you can be angry, sad, or both.

If we’re not putting a priority on eradicating every local hard drug dealer and keeping them locked up, this will continue at a greater rate than necessary. But with a healthcare system that is too strained to really help our local addicts, we’re once again contributing to this continuing at a greater frequency than need be.

More Babies While In Care

It’s not at all uncommon for a family to have a child taken from their care to have another one while the foster family process is still underway and the outcome is undecided. When the next child is born, they are taken into care too. If one child proceeds to permanent care, their young siblings who came into care at a later date will still be held in the foster system as the process of evaluating the parent starts over. The siblings are then separated.

The System Takes Too Long

Babies that come into the system will spend about 18 months there before the province becomes their permanent guardians and they proceed to adoption. By this time, the foster family *is* their family. They’ve learned to walk, they’ve learned to talk, they’ve learned to love the only real family they know. Unless the babies are surrendered, the adoptive family cannot have them join their family until they are almost 2 years old - even if they were taken from their mom as addicted infants at birth.

The Parental Visit Shuffle

It’s an unavoidable part of the foster experience, but every day there are many cars on our roads shuttling children between foster homes and supervised visits with the biological parent(s). They are Community Services employees called “Case Aides”. They aren’t social workers. Their job is to transport the children, supervise the parental visits, and exchange any necessary information with the foster family upon their return. Due to a lack of sufficient foster home placements, sometimes these visits require hours of driving each way. The family home they were removed from and foster home may be hours apart. This can be rough on younger children and babies. And sometimes these journeys are filled with tears.

Visit Cancellations

Although it may seem unfathomable for any parent who claims they want their child back to do so, visits are sometimes cancelled by the parents or ended early if there is an issue that occurs during supervision. The foster family is told they are cancelled or receive a call that the children are being returned early.

Coming Back Into Foster Care Again

It’s the case aides, social workers, and foster families’ responsibility to convey information to allow the province (via legal ruling) to make a decision on whether the children will be returned to their biological parents or guardians, or be declared “permanent care” and become eligible for adoption. Frustratingly, there are times when the ruling is for the children to return home, but soon thereafter are removed and returned to the custody of the province due to a reoccurrence of some issue that leads to the removal. This is far more traumatic for the children to have to go through this more than once.

Insufficient Data for Decision Making

A social worker is not the key point of contact for children. Beyond supervised visits, the foster family spends 24/7 with the children. During travel to/from visits, the case aids spend the most time with the children. The case aides, therefore, are the ones who are present to make observations about any issues of concern during visits, or any indication of risk factors. However, it’s unclear how such information is recorded and provided to social workers who are responsible for making recommendations to the courts. Some assigned case aides have suggested that the documentation process is minimalist as there is an ongoing union negotiation process. If there is some form of work-to-rule negotiating tactic in place, it’s absolutely irresponsible and completely unethical. Lack of documentation could result in a child being mistakenly returned to a family environment where they could continue to be at risk. In any event, the foster family I’m a part of does not feel confident that sufficient information makes it to the courts. And we fear the wrong decision being made.

Foster Home Overload

Due to limited availability of foster family placements, there are often too many children placed in a single home. I’ve observed this multiple times. The calls keep coming to request placements. The home then must become more like a daycare environment than a family environment, and it’s impossible for each of the children to get the amount of individualized attention that they deserve - and really need. The problem is that foster children need much more attention than a typical child. They’ve been pulled out of their family home and are in a strange environment. The fact that they are in care means that they’ve been neglected or abused. Home overload works against creating the best possible environment for children in care.

Separated Brothers and Sisters

Unfortunately, especially due to overload, brothers and sisters removed at the same time often must be separated to ensure there is a place for them at available foster homes.

Older Children Disadvantaged

The older a child is when taken into care, the greater the length of time they’ve experienced neglect or abuse, and the greater ability they have to understand what is happening. This creates emotional stress, sadness, and trauma. Likewise, it’s more difficult for them to be adopted. Adoptive parents tend towards wanting the fuller parenting experience from the youngest age possible, so a preference for adoption of babies or toddlers is expected. However, the emotional trauma of older children can put them at a reduced chance of successful adoption. Sometimes they have trouble adjusting even in foster homes and this may result in them transitioning between multiple foster homes, which cannot be good for their psychological development. At ages between 12 and 18, they could end up in a facility like Comhla Cruinn in Sydney. And who could expect a good outcome in a facility with issues like this?

There are many problems with the system, despite it also being responsible for rescuing children from bad situations and improving their lives.

If you’re reading this and you know of some children in a home environment you believe is abusive or neglectful, has ongoing domestic abuse, or drug or alcohol abuse, call and make the report.

They may be your family. They may be your friends. It doesn’t matter. Call for the children. The adults have made their own choices. The circumstances or the pathway that lead them there, whether within their control or not, are irrelevant. The children cannot decide for themselves, but they do deserve a better chance at life, and much more so than those parents who should not get away with creating that kind of environment. They will have an opportunity to turn their lives around. If not, the children have an opportunity for a better life with another family.

Notify Child Welfare of a case of neglect or abuse

If you’re reading this and you’re a drug user, be responsible and practice safe sex using contraceptives, unless you think it’s desirable to spend the next 18 months of your life being monitored by Community Services staff on the pathway to losing your child. If you don’t think that is a big deal, then at least watch the video above and let your inner sense of humanity prevail, by committing yourself to not allow that to happen to your child. The time for having children is not when you don’t have your life together and are an addict. That is the worst of all possible times.

If you’re reading this and you’re a drug user without children of your own, never encourage your friends with children to join “your party”. If they are doing so on their own, you should report them and spare those children. The adults will either clean up, or the children will rightfully be spared being raised in that kind of environment.

If you’re a drug dealer, you should never be selling hard drugs to anyone, but you certainly should not be selling them to people with kids at home. If you do, you’re just as responsible for the situation as they are. It doesn’t matter if you’re not around to see the effects. When a newborn is quivering and inconsolably crying at the hospital, that’s on your hands too.

But…

If you’re a person who is willing to open your heart and your home to these children, there are many out there that need you. Consider becoming a foster parent.

Here is a list of the upcoming information sessions.

NOTE: The views expressed above are my own and do not represent lokol (goCapeBreton.com). Read more